Something Like That

I remember before giving birth to Anna sitting in her perfectly coordinated and clean room envisioning life with our baby as one of calm and peace. I knew there would be difficulties but I assumed my Babywise approach to parenting would mean she would be sleeping without issues by 7-9 weeks and wake up a perfectly happy, peaceful child from then on.  I would have a clean, sunny home with music in the background and everyone would want to know how I did it  :)

I remember before having toddlers thinking that meltdowns, bad attitudes and lack of first time obedience could *typically* be avoided by proactive parenting - clear boundaries, consistent discipline and encouragement, proper sleeping and eating habits and lots and lots of love between and from mom and dad.

The fact that these things are not necessarily true can drive me BONKERS. 

To make matters worse, I can't seem to keep my house how I want it anymore (meaning orderly most all of the time).  With two kids, even if I could not control them, I could at least control the status of my home.  If you saw my kitchen right now (there you go, view left) you would most likely be tempted to think of me as a slob who needs to get my rear in gear. 

But hopefully most of you moms can feel me when I say sometimes it's all I can do to get through the day getting basic needs met.  By the time we are all dressed and fed there is another round of diapers.  When I'm done changing diapers and we get on to our next task there is an attitude that needs addressed.  Aaron has now crawled across the room and is eating paper.  I save Aaron and get him set up in a more safe environment for play.  I call the girls back to whatever important or non-important task and they don't want to come.  Discipline.  And the day continues in crazy moments like these. 

Multiple times this month I have asked Daryl if he thinks I'm doing something really wrong because it seems I've been dealing with so many heart issues (even if that means my own) I sometimes can barely get dinner on the table let alone all the laundry done.  He's been so kind to remind me that I just have to keep doing the right thing.  I can't control our kids or regenerate their hearts, but I can continue to obey God, love them, discipline and encourage them, and do it again, and again, and again.

I can do the right  thing even if I can't SEE the fruit of it.  I can trust God that even though I'm not doing this mom-hood thing perfectly and I am so afraid I will screw my kids up forever and they will write nasty stuff about me on the internet as adults, that HE is the author of their lives and days and His work isn't lost on my mistakes.  I can hope and have joy in Jesus and His promises because He does live in me and has provided faith and hope.  

I really believe our sweet third child who has added to our chaos has served to continue to break me of my trying to feel good about myself based on something I can DO rather than based on who Jesus IS.  I wish I could say I have arrived at just living to please the Lord and not get side tracked by what other people think of me or my kids or having a clean house or worldly pursuits or whatnot, but I am still struggling here.  Like my eye will probably be twitching by the end of the night if my kitchen still looks the way that it does but I should be okay with this as long as I have loved God and loved others, right?


So here I am.  A beautiful mess :)  So thankful for my awesome husband, my parents and good, Biblical community and most of all for God as they continue to remind me and push me towards what is true, over and over again and as they LOVE me.  Thank you for loving me, when I'm helpful, when I'm cranky, when I'm encouraging, when I'm over-dramatic; all the time.  And I'm thankful for motherhood - for making me desperate and dependent on the grace of the Lord, which is where we are all, I just sometimes didn't feel it.  And I'm of course thankful for my sweet children - may the Lord continue to break me so you see the beauty of Himself, even in me.  xoxo