Great Expectations

Growing up my greatest dream was to be someones wife (or better put - to be the love of some fantastic man's life; be preferred above others to one man; be romanced, pursued, you get the point) and then to be a mother. I can remember as a little girl wanting triplets - all girls with shiny, wavy hair that bounced and swayed as they happily skipped behind me. I of course had no idea what parenting entailed, and now if you told me I was having triplets I am sure I would immediately fall on my knees and tell God that He of course would have to give me the grace to survive that - I mean how do you nurse three babies in the same day????

Anyways, motherhood has been very awesome in many ways. I love talking and laughing with Anna in the mornings when we are all alone. I love reading books to her and watching her startled face when I move her too suddenly or make a loud noise. I love her confused face when she sits in her bouncer seat on the counter and "helps" me make dinner. I love dancing and singing worship songs to her and I love kissing her. However, to my shame I must confess that sometimes I get discontent with my life at current.

When I think of summer I think of hiking, camping, eating fabulous meals on the deck, walking around the lake with Daryl, being able to up and go whenever, vacations, parties, putt putt golf, scrapbooking, etc. This summer is different. Camping wouldn't be up Anna's ally, hiking is often difficult to squeeze in between feedings, and scrapbooking - yeah, right! Whenever we go out I have to think about when I'll need to be home to feed Anna, if I have enough diapers, and what the plan will be if she freaks out in public.

I knew motherhood would be semi-difficult, but I didn't ever think somedays I would miss days pre-children. I would never trade being a mother, but somedays I confess that I look at Daryl playing video games and in my head I want to throw books at him and say "YOU TAKE CARE OF HER!" I go upstairs and vent that I spend all day serving him and Anna and it's just not fair - why didn't God give him the milk or make him responsible for managing the interior of our home? Other times I'll be talking to a friend about how she and her husband just "duh duh duh duh duh all weekend" and I wish I could have a weekend like that.

Titus 2:3-5 says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, busy at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be maligned." My role is to love my husband and my daughter and to serve them - dirty dishes and all.

While I was reading in Philippians the other day this verse struck me anew...

"Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." (vs. 14-15)

The word grumbling there means "thought, doubt, argument or dispute." The word questioning: "complaint, grumbling, whisper, private talk." WOW.

The Holy Spirit was so gracious to convict me! I had slipped into grumbling and questioning, doubting and disputing, and privately talking against the awesome role that God has in His goodness and sovereingty given to ME.

I have the privilege of being Anna's mother. I have the joy of being Daryl's wife. I am to delight in them, to be busy making my home wonderful and comfortable and appealing to them, and to be kind to them always - even in the midst of vacationless summers, spit up and mounds of laundry.

May God always be so generous to convict me when I forget the goodness of the role that He has chosen to bless me with and may I continue to abide in Him and in His strength to fulfill my calling with joy and vigor.

"I can do all things through Him who gives me strenght." Philippians 4:13.