Life Lately

So, the wedding went fantastic! The spray tan didn't make me very tan, but it was better than being splotchy or yellow or anything like that! The wedding was gorgeous and I really enjoyed the time with Daryl. When the pics are up, I'll post some.

While the wedding was great, some other things in the week have been not so great. Maybe even downright terrible.

Two nights ago I exploded on my husband. Sadly, I was reminded of other times in my past where I have let my temper win over and have blocked God out of my thoughts in determination to make things right on my own - this usually involves ignoring and punishing the other person, but obviously ends up bad for everyone.... I suppose this is a helpful reminder from God to fight my natural inclination to hold a grudge.

Please note that in these next statements I am not making excuses - I am very sure God allowed the above events to happen to let me know that I am still desperately sinful, desperately in need of His grace, and that He is desperately gracious, forgiving, faithful, kind and generous.

That said, I like tidy. I like to be able to get it done. And get it done well. I would like to think I'm amazing and that I have a lot to offer the world. See - big time sinner. What is about me wanting accolades? To be fair, I really do want to glorify God...most of the time. But I get so easily side tracked and subtly, somewhere, it becomes about M.E.

We have hosted multitudes of people lately, I have gone out after the girls bed times numerous times the past 2 weeks thinking I'm serving others, I was in a wedding, had our in-laws in, babysat for friends, got the day to day things done, tried to make up lots of quality time with the girls and husband, and even attempted to do some extra projects in the evenings. In conjunction with all of this, I also have had a couple of external relational problems (not with my family), that have left me feeling unloved.

Instead of scratching things off my calendar and dealing with my hurts (which were not all justified, btw), I just kept going. And when your a mom, I realize you don't have so much time to cry as you used to, but I probably should have made time. Didn't.

And then...I exploded. On an innocent bystander no less.

By God's grace, Daryl is one of the most quick to forgive and move on people I have ever met. Seriously. I'm not just saying that. He really is. I love it, but it also can make me feel really guilty :) I'm pretty sure he always apologizes first, to my shame.

I also wasn't fair to my mom this week. She too loves me anyways, but I just wanted to put it out her publicly that I love her :) and appreciate her continued love to me even when I'm crazy.

Anyways, all that to say, things have been crazy lately. Crazy bad and crazy good. Crazy bad - I over extended myself and tried to maintain in mostly my own power. Crazy good - God uses it to remind me of my utter need for Him and I actually did have fun doing almost everything I had going on. Crazy bad - I never took time to decompress or deal with issues which led to volcanic eruption. Crazy good - I now see that not dealing with things in a timely fashion is very dangerous and has lots of consequences - even for people totally uninvoloved. (Haven't I learned that before?!) Crazy bad - I exploded on my husband like never before. Crazy good - He ministered a great picture of the grace of God towards His sinful children. I love him more. I love God more. And I want to be more like him/Him. Crazy bad - my feelings got hurt. Crazy good - I am learning to love when unloved and to be more charitable/believe the best when things don't look so good. Crazy bad - I still am very far off. Crazy good - "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Romans 8:28-29. I ain't done yet :) Thank God!

Now let's get back to us on a good day...